Witty Wednesday # 116

I cannot remember who I borrowed this one from so my apologies for not giving you a mention. It could be one of three people and I don't want to get it wrong. If you let me know I'll add a PS.

I thought it was rather funny!
<><><><><><><><><>

Borrowed from Merle

"When to start cussing."

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'a*s'. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast. he replies, "Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK ! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor gets up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear end with every step. She locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out."

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat a*s it won't be Cheerios."
<><><><><><><><><><><>

'Blonde'

A blonde gets home from shopping and hears strange noises coming
from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband
naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" she asks. "I think I am having a heart attack." cries
the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she is
dialling, her four year old son comes up and says, "Mommy, Mommy,
Auntie Shirley is hiding in your wardrobe and she's got no clothes on."

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the
bedroom, right past her husband, rips open the wardrobe door and
sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

"You rotten Bitch," she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack,
and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids."
<><><><><><><><>

Archives:
2008: Corfu-Kerkyra-2 New Fortress
2007: Pussycat pussycat where have you been
2006: Well I never knew that

Witty Wednesday # 115

My youngest daughter, Beccy, is responsible for this one!


Better than a Flu Shot! 

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'

Hope you all have a good day, I'm lucky enough to be going out for lunch.

Archives:
2008: None
2007: Running out of space
2006: Decorating is Dull

Witty Wednesday # 114

I got this from Embee and I hope for his sake he's not thinking about giving me this for Christmas LOL.

LOOK AFTER YOUR WIFE...?

A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting on the patio, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.?

Cheryl from next door saw us and was so upset that she came over and yelled at me, "You lazy prick! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes that ancient lawn mower around! Get up off your fat arse and give her a break!"

I thought 'Shit women!' Took another swig from my stubby, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my sunnies, stared directly at this nosey cow and told her in no uncertain terms to sod off and mind her own business. I told her my wife had green fingers and that she really enjoyed gardening.?

After a few days I felt really bad, so I went out and bought her a ride-on mower to show my senstive side. ?I'm really proud of the deal I got and also very proud that my wife can now sit down while mowing the lawn. Yes guys, we should take good care of our wives... then maybe they'll take good care of us.

I've attached a picture below...hope it comes through OK

**********************************

(click to enlarge)

**********************************
POSTSCRIPT ON YESTERDAY'S POST:
This is what it was......

...are you any wiser I'm not you can just see a glimpse of the flower in the corner and I have seen them growing in gardens.

Archives:
2008: Autumn Jobs
2007: Sunday
2006: Sunny Saturday

Witty Wednesday # 111

I cannot believe my eldest daughter,Sam is sending me material for WW. Thank you Sam.


Now I saw this on plurk or was it a blog can't remember now but found it amusing, especially as my local pool has been cleared a couple of times and that wasn't because of 'P'!

A few more Maxine Cartoons that might amuse you.

Hope I've brought a smile to you face on a dull Wednesday (well it is here).

Archives:
2008: Cauliflower Bacon and Potato Bake
2007: Mindless Vandals

Witty Wednesday # 110 Maxine Cartoons

My friend Daffy has sent me enough cartoons to keep me going for the next few weeks.


I find these John Wagner's Maxine Cartoons, that she sent me, particularly amusing especially as they are based on real people! You've not heard of him read on for some info. I have to be honest, I've seen some of his cards but never thought about the artist.

John Wagner, Hallmark artist since 1970, says Maxine was inspired by his mother, his maiden aunts and his grandmother, the woman who bought him art lessons when 'fill in the pumpkins' was about the extent of his art classes at St. John's Catholic School in Leonia, N.J.
John remembers doodling as a preschooler and says both his grandmother and his mother encouraged his artistic interests. He eventually attended the Vesper George School of Art in Boston and landed at Hallmark as part of a new artists group. But it was the birth of the humorous Shoebox Greetings (a tiny little division of Hallmark) in 1986 that added a new dimension to John's professional life. The Shoebox way of seeing the world unleashed his talents and he created Maxine. Hope you enjoy these





If you've enjoyed these I'll share some more next week.

Archives:
2008: 2nd Crop of home grown spuds
2007: Everything happens in threes

Witty Wednesday # 108

I have Pamela to thank for this one.


Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a Drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes.."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: " Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob:"Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?”
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and Sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

*******************************
If you are fans of these two please blame Daffy

I'm playing catch up with my posts this week!!!!

Archives:
2008: Award and Meme
2007: EmBee's Birthday Bash

Witty Wednesday # 106

A few weeks ago when Embee and I were at the garden centre I noticed this.....now what do you think they were trying to convey!
I don't think it was 'buy one get one free' or if it had another 'f' they might have been asking us to leave!!!LOL

I pinched this from John
and Daffy knew I was a country gal when she sent me Technology for Country Folk..(click to make it big enough to read)

Today I'm taking my mother to have her laser eye treatment. Fingers crossed it will help but as the cataract will still be affecting the other eye I'm not convinced it will make that much difference.

Archives:
2007: What me clumsy never!

Witty Wednesday # 104

By the time you are reading this I will be on my way to Ireland to visit Beccy and the grand children. I'm not sure if I will get time to send you a postcard but I will do my best. In the mean time I'll leave you with something which I hope will make you smile.

Daffy thank you for the giggle and yes I'm passing it on

The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I
betcha' you cannot resist passing it on... not that I'm suggesting any of you are number 8.
****************************
Kids:

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
************************
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year old children.

After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
************************
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
*************************
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
************************
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
**************************
And one from EmBee:

Nelson Mandela is relaxing at home, when he hears a knock at the door. As he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, 'You Sign! You sign!' Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, 'You Sign! You sign!'
Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man,' and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, 'You sign! You sign!'
Mr. Mandela is getting a bit ticked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting, 'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!'

Then he slams the door in his face again.


The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, 'You sign! You sign!' Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him, 'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand?

You must have the wrong name!

Who do you want to give these to?'
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says,

(It's a beauty)

(Wait for it)

(Get your best Chinese accent ready 'You not Nissan Main Deala??'

Have fun while I'm away.

Archives:
2008: Local Produce and Pool Fun Portugal-4
2007: Butterfly Conservatory Niagara

Witty Wednesday # 97

Thank you for these Daffy.

SPAGHETTI

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.
***********************
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
God replied: "I didn't recognize you."
***********************
Reasons not to mess with children.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

***********************
My friend Anna sent me this:

Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care... one has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.
************************
Keep smiling

Archives:
2008: Meme-I've been tagged to show and tell
2007: My Secret Swap Surprise Arrived

Witty Wednesday # 95

Beccy sent me this about a month ago:

WARNING TO WOMEN - THIS IS HAPPENING TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE
You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves?

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine?

My bum was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new bum was attached at least three inches lower than my original!

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was drying my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time.

Last year I thought some one had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed and
they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that
they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden
in my waistband.

These same thieves invaded my closet and shrank my clothes! How do they do it???? What could they do to me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts -stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?

Now I wonder who got all my parts LOL.
************************

Pamela sent me this:

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings and invites the guy over. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies...

(Wait for it...)

(It's coming...)

(The suspense is killing you, isn't it?)

She says:
.
.
.
.
.
.

'You just happened to catch my eye.' I wonder did I use this one before! (too lazy to double check).

Pamela when I saw these I was reminded of you.......

.....very wise to leave the dust...you haven't taken any chances nor have you wasted your life :)
Happy Wednesday.

Archives:
2008: Tutorial in editing photos-plt-4
2007: The fruits of EmBee's labour

Witty Wednesday # 94

You can blame John for this one when you groan!

Brain Transplant:

In the Hospital relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves..'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.

After a great length of time, someone asked,

'Well, how much does a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded,

'$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.'

The moment turned awkward.

Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

'Why is the male brain so much more?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group,

'It's just standard pricing procedure.

We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.'
******************************
AND from Wendy comes the 'Quote of the day':

Behold the Woman

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.
********************************
You may wonder or not why I'm very late in getting this post published today. Well I have my grandson and his girlfriend staying for a couple of days, so I had a very busy day preparing the house and then this afternoon collecting them from Bristol airport.

They settled in and sampled my Lemon Cake, and we later enjoyed a curry for dinner. They decided to go for a walk in the local park before it got too dark, and returned safely. It took me back to the time when my girls were teenagers; I always felt anxious until they were safely home.
I was allowed to take a couple of photos with Dillon's new Sony camera and it is very good. I now see why my little point and shoot (much as I like it for all the convenience) leaves a lot to be desired.
So Beccy if you read this I'm taking good care of them.

Archives:
2008: Not what I planned
2007: What Mess

Witty Wedsnesday # 83 Tree, Black Bra, Diet

Pamela asked me:

DO YOU KNOW THE FRONT FROM THE BACK OF A TREE???

A REDNECK FROM GEORGIA DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE SOUTH TO VIRGINIA TO SEE GOD'S COUNTRY. WHEN HE GETS TO FRANKLIN, HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY. BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!!!!

HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR. IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!! THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.

THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU! TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS."

THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "THAT THAR'S A WHITEPINE, 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER."

THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!!! HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD. HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.

"THAT'S A LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD FEET."

THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY, HE HAS BEEN QUICK AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!! !!

ONE MORE TEST. THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"

BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, "WHITE OAK, 242 BOARD FEET AT BEST."

THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE RED NECK IS SMARTER THAN HE IS. AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, ANOTHER FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP OUTSIDE.

HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE?" "I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!!"

THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT, HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK.

HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. "THAT THAR'S THE FRONT," THE REDNECK SAYS.

THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

THE GOOD OL' BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, "CUZ SOMEBODY DID THERE BUSINESS BEHIND IT!"

HE GOT THE JOB !!!!!

***********************
Here's Daffy's smile for today:

The Black Bra

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a lack leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.'

Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat.

When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,

'What's for dinner, Batman?

************************

I borrowed this from Gattina so some of you might remember it from a FM post. But I thought it was so funny and just right today:

ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS!!

1.. You walk pasta da bakery.
2... You walk pasta da candy store.
3.. You walk pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4.. You walk pasta da table and fridge.

You will lose weight!
******************************
Now I just want to mention a friend of EmBee's from way back. He originally emigrated to New Zealand but now lives in Australia. I have extracted a bit from one of his emails:

Christine, I do frequently read your blog page - mainly for the witty Mondays and Wednesdays, some of your jokes I have passed on to a friend in Auckland NZ who still compere's a radio show on a Sunday morning in Auckland. I'm sure he would have used some of them to entertain his listeners. Your blogs have had far reaching effects!

See I might be famous without ever realising it... So thanks Phil for lurking on my blog (you can always leave a comment!) and BTW I did try and set you up on my skype but never got a response- I probably didn't do it correctly!

Have a fun day

Archives:
2008: Fun Monday-52 What's on my Bucket List
2007: Despondent

Witty Wednesday # 72 Christmas, Adultery

John thought we needed to get the Christmas jokes started:

2008's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow a and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"


The man replied, "These are Carols."

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

ADULTERY

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'

************************

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part that he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,'the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

*********************

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

*******************************

Man and Wife Shopping

A husband and wife are doing their grocery shopping.
The man picks up a case of beer and sticks it into the shopping trolley. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife 'They're on sale, only £10.00 for 24 cans', he says.
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20.00 jar of face cream and sticks
it into the cart. 'Whoa, what do you think you're doing?' asks the man. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.

The man replies...'SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER, AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE!'

I can't remember whether I've posted this last one before!!! See I'm getting a bit forgetful and that's not funny!!! Have a fun day and remember it's all downhill to the weekend!

Archives:
2007: Fun Monday-41

Witty Wednesday # 71 Love Story, Marriage Guidance, Erectrician

My friend Daffy provided me with all of today's material. Thank you Daffy.

The love story of Ralph and Edna.

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

*********************************
Marriage Guidance

Jackie and her husband Mark went for marriage guidance after 25 years of marriage.

Jackie complained of neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable.

After listening for some time the therapist got up walked round his desk and after asking Jackie to stand up, took her in a forceful embrace and kissed her passionately as her bemused husband watched on.

Jackie sat down in a trance and the therapist returned to his chair

"This is what your wife needs 3 times a week can you do it?".

Mark thought for a minute then replied "Well, I can drop her off on Mondays and Wednesdays but I play golf on Fridays".

*********************************

'If the light stays on for more than 4 hours, call your "erectrician.'

Hope I've managed to make you smile. I know most of America will be smiling today because they have a new President!



Archives:
2007: Holiday Traditions

2006: Beautiful Sunset for Guy Fawkes Night

Witty Wednesday # 66 Cake or Bed and more

I have John to thank for this:

CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.'

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, 'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'POWERGEN' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!' THEN THE WIFE ASKS, 'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT'

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, 'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'FRIDGIDAIRE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!' SHE SAYS 'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK'

'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS', HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'TAYLOR WOODROW' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!'

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'
SHE SAID, 'WELL,
WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.'

HE SAID, 'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?'

SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE 'MR KIPLING' WRITTEN ON MY
FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO!'

************************************

Embee is responsible for this:

CALM

Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.
Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.
Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece
Chherrsss

**********************************

Daffy sent me this:

Fairy tale

One day, long, long ago there lived a woman who did not whine, or nag
But this was a long time ago.......and it was just that one day.

The End
NO COMMENT NECESSARY!

**********************************

Barbara forwarded this from Yoli's blog:

Poetry

A Woman's Poem

Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door.

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And always be my very best friend.

A Man's Poem

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a s***.

Enjoy your day

Archives:
2007: Red Arrows
Archives:
2006: Bramleys are Best

Witty Wednesday # 54 Irish dog and Marriage awareness~no connection!

John thank you for these....

Irish dog.

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only his pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,'Father, my dog is dead, could ya' be saying a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not, we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, ' Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!! Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?!'

-------------------------------------------------

Marriage Awareness

Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling. Take celibacy.
This can be a choice, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

While attending a 'marriage awareness weekend', Robert and Mary listened to the instructor declare; ' It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He addressed the men. 'Can you each name your wife's favourite flower?'

Robert leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered,
'It's self raising, isn't it?'

Thus began Robert's life of celibacy.................................

Hope I've managed to put a smile on your face :)


Archives:
2007: Fun Monday # 21 What hangs on my wall

Witty Wednesday # 53 New Wine

My friend Carol knew I would find this one amusing :)

New Wine for Seniors

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, who produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as..........

PINO MORE

I'm gonna get me some of this wine!!
Short and sweet this week I bet that surprised and probably pleased you as not so much to wade through!



Archives:
2007: Fun Monday 20 My Kitchen

Witty Wednesday # 52

Willowtree supplied me with this first joke.....(elderly lady what or who is he hinting about!!!)

An elderly lady complains to the M.D. that she passes gas many times a day. "It's really more of a nuisance than a problem," she explains, "They're silent and they don't smell." The M.D. gives her a prescription and tells her to come back in a week.

She returns and says, "I don't know what it was you gave me, doc, but I still pass gas all the time, it is still silent, but it smells terribly!"

The M.D. replies, "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, we'll see what we can do for your hearing."

*******************************

Do you like corny~ if you do try these!!!

An elephant and turtle

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.

"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.

"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".

******************************************

The very hungry lion

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

*******************************

Farmer milks a cow

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

************************************************

Pigeon flying in sky

But baby pigeon said, "I can't make it; I'll get too tired." His mother said, "Don't worry; I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine."

The baby started to cry.

"What's wrong?" said the mother.

"I don't want to be pigeon towed!"

*******************************************

Mary Poppins visiting

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly madam," he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

"Morning madam...sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.

We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"

********************************

Finally to show I have a good sense of humour and women can take a joke!

WOMEN....... AS EXPLAINED BY FLIGHT ENGINEERS

Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

Part V

Happy Wednesday it's countdown to the weekend :)
Archives:
2007: Fun Monday # 19=Crafty Monday