Thank you Embee for this one!
To set the scene Gordon Brown is our Prime Minister but I think you could substitute any top politician's name!
Gordon Brown, whilst out on his morning walk to the top of Downing Street and back, suffered a major heart Attack, the Accident and Emergency Dept: at the Hospital were under — staffed and under equipped and had to transfer him to another Hospital out of London.
He died in the Ambulance whilst travelling there.
His Soul arrived in Heaven and was met by Saint Peter, "Welcome to Heaven but you have caused a dilemma, we do not know what to do with you as we do not get many Socialists calling here"
"No problem," replied Gordon, "I am a good Christian, just let me in"
"My Orders are from God himself and since the implementation of his new Heavenly Choices Edict, the policy is this, you have to spend a day in Hell and one day in Heaven, then you choose where you want to live for all eternity"
"I have already made up my mind, I wish to be in Heaven," firmly states Gordon.
"I am so sorry but rules are rules" says Peter as he escorts him down, down and down on an Elevator to the gloomy depths of Hell.…The Doors open and before him Gordon sees a wonderful expanse of lush green grass, a lovely Golf Course, a cloudless blue sky, a temperature of 23 Degrees C, in the distance a beautiful Club House, with Harold Wilson standing inside out of the heat, sipping a Tumbler puffing on his Pipe.
Everywhere Gorton's eyes roam he sees so many Socialist luminaries who have been known to him over the years, and by reputation even further back in time, Jim Callaghan runs up to greet him, followed by John Smith, Michael Foot etc: etc: They hugged him and welcomed him enthusiastically. All were deliriously happy and expensively dressed with awesome Golfing gear.
All enjoying the atmosphere and reminiscing about the good time they had on earth at the expenses of suckers and the peasants.
They dined on Champagne and Caviar after they had enjoyed several games of golf with below Par Scores. Later the Devil himself walked up and offered Gordon a large Tumbler of Tequila which Gordon declined because he had taken a Pledge of Abstinence "This is Hell Son, you can drink and eat all you want here, you never get drunk and never get fat" said the Devil.
The Devil tells him several funny jokes and introduces him to many well known characters from all over the world, all of whom hugged him and greeted him with warm smiles and firm hand shakes. They joked with him about Education, Immigration, Finance and Money, the EEC, Crime and the Labour Party miss — called ideals, plus all of their broken promises.
He was having a marvellous time and was saddened when he learned that his 24 hours were up and he had to go back up to Heaven.
When the Elevator Door opened and he was welcomed by St. Peter he learned that he had to spend the next 24 hours in the company of honest, good — nature and diligent people with high ideals who talked about lots of other things other than Politics and money and seemed to treat every one else decently and honestly. It was quite boring for him because he had never been used to anything like this in all of his adult life!
There were no nasty jokes, no swearing, no fancy Golf Clubs, no Caviar and Champagne, just good folks some poor, some well to do, but all kind and truthful, he just was not used to this at all.
He went up to St. Peter and informed him that he wanted to go back down to Hell, so he is taken to the Elevator and down he goes, down and down until the Doors open and he sees before him a scorched and sparse landscape, all covered with toxic filth and garbage, an industrial wasteland, looking eroded, and just like the Australian Outback, desolation every lace he looked, Rats, Rabbits and Foxes eating human bodies, together with other awful Scavengers.
There were his friends, dressed in tattered rags and all chained together like convicts, picking up rubbish and putting it in Plastic Bags. Moaning and groaning with pain, faces and hands filthy with dirt, grease and other filth. Gasping for water and rest. A sorry sight.
The Devil walks over to Gordon, he put down his blood stained whip, and put his fist his in to Gordons face and said "Welcome home, Brown".
"I do not understand it" stammered a shocked Gordon Brown "I was here yesterday and played golf, I ate like a King or President, we lazed around and drank Tequila, now everything is changed, it is all so different and disgusting, all look so unhappy"
Smiling and simpering slyly the Devil looks at him and purred "Yesterday was our campaigning day, today is different because you have cast your Vote for us!"
*****************************************************************************This one is from .......can you guess!!! John
I hope it wiggles for you
Ain't it the Truth!!!
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
'How much do you weigh?' she asks.
'115,' she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, 'Your height?'
'5 foot 8,' she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5'.
She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
'Of course it's high!' she screams,
'When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!'
Flour and Water
How come when you mix water and flour together
you get glue?..
and then you add eggs
and you get cake?
Where did the glue go ?
NEED AN ANSWER?
You know darned well where it went!
That's what makes the cake
Stick to your BUTT
Now I hope that you've smiled at least once! We all need a good laugh, so keep on smiling!!
Labels: witty weds