Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Witty Wednesday # 39


I have to thank lil mouse for sending me this:

My Cajun friend had 3 good arguments that Jesus was a Cajun:

1. He liked to serve fish to his friends.

2. He could make his own wine.

3. He wasn't afraid of water.

My Black friend had 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone 'brother.'

2. He liked Gospel.

3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

My Italian friend gave his 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.

2. He had wine with every meal.

3. He used olive oil.

My California friend also had 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He had a beard.

2. He walked around barefoot all the time.

3. He started a new religion.

My Irish friend then gave his 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

But, my women friends have the most compelling evidence that Jesus, though NOT a woman, certainly could relate to women:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.

3. And, even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work to do.
*******************************************************

My friend Suzanne contributed this:

Winter Classes for Men at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Monday, Jan 28, 2008

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM


Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Plac es And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14

The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
***************************************************
From embee:

LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR SENIORS

1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

4.
Make sure you put 999 (or local emergency number) on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember it.

6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed or between the thighs.

7.
Have Tylenol (superior strength aspirin) ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want. The
neighbours are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

(Notice: the large type so you could read it.)

All you youngsters who are laughing remember your time will come!!!! :)


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22 Comments:

At 27/2/08 08:45, Blogger Emma in Canada said...

All of those were quite funny, but the last one had me laughing the most.

 
At 27/2/08 09:06, Blogger my4kids said...

Oh those are too funny Chris! you had me laughing.

 
At 27/2/08 09:18, Blogger Beccy said...

Mother!

 
At 27/2/08 11:07, Blogger ChrisB said...

emma and terri you see I'm shocking my daughter!!!!he he

 
At 27/2/08 12:12, Anonymous Grannymar said...

Thanks Chris, I am stealing the last two for my blog.

Beccy 'OLDIES' enjoy fun and games! :D If they didn't where did you come from? :lol:

 
At 27/2/08 13:43, Blogger Asha said...

LOL!!! Embee comes up with the reatest of "jokes/advice". Thank you, I will save it for future use! ;D
Loved the CA/Jesus and Women/Jesus one, so true!!

 
At 27/2/08 15:13, Blogger Alix said...

LOL oh they are brilliant. I need to send the husband to class two!

 
At 27/2/08 15:19, Blogger thefoodsnob said...

Hey, I think the last ones can be applied to youngsters, too!

Lisa

 
At 27/2/08 15:41, Blogger john.g. said...

Chrisb, you are getting worse!! LOL!

 
At 27/2/08 15:44, Blogger ChrisB said...

grannymar you are welcome :)

alix embee needs quite a few classes!

john and who is responsible for corrupting!!!!!!!

 
At 27/2/08 16:41, Anonymous Karmyn R said...

heh heh -

personally, I doubt Jesus was Irish - because according to some he WAS married (it was just well hidden from the press)

 
At 27/2/08 18:40, Blogger Steffi said...

Funny "witty wednesday" post,Chris!

 
At 27/2/08 19:23, Blogger Kar said...

I just stumbled onto your blog. Haha. Those are funny. I loved the ones where Jesus could relate to women.

 
At 27/2/08 19:47, Blogger secret squirrel said...

this was a great post.I loved it!
in fact i loved it so much that i have just emailed it to loads of people.....including uncaringbear...who of course will see it here...der!
I got a little over excited
xox eve xox

 
At 27/2/08 19:54, Blogger bermudabluez said...

These were GREAT!!!!! Love 'em!!!

 
At 27/2/08 20:15, Blogger Beckie said...

Those were very funny!

The classes were great.

 
At 27/2/08 20:38, Blogger Sandy said...

3 ways you can tell that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He lived at home till He was 30
2. He went into His Father's business.
3. His mother thought He was God.

 
At 27/2/08 22:43, Blogger ChrisB said...

eve I'm not sure uncaringbear read me !

sandy very good :)

 
At 27/2/08 22:55, Blogger Sauntering Soul said...

Oh my goodness, these were hysterical!

 
At 27/2/08 23:37, Blogger lisa marie said...

you always have the best jokes! Jesus definitely knew us women and I love 2 hours on how to fill ice trays AND practicing urination!!

I guess I need to get a timer and some tylenol. :)

 
At 28/2/08 13:04, Blogger Moi said...

Omg, I think I died laughing - especially at the last one. And all I could think was -- "I wonder what Beccy's gonna say!"

LOLOL

 
At 1/3/08 18:45, Blogger Pamela said...

the best part was Beccy's 'MOTHER'

 

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