Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Witty Wedneday # 37

Thank you Embee for this one!
To set the scene Gordon Brown is our Prime Minister but I think you could substitute any top politician's name!

Gordon Brown, whilst out on his morning walk to the top of Downing Street and back, suffered a major heart Attack, the Accident and Emergency Dept: at the Hospital were under — staffed and under equipped and had to transfer him to another Hospital out of London.

He died in the Ambulance whilst travelling there.

His Soul arrived in Heaven and was met by Saint Peter, "Welcome to Heaven but you have caused a dilemma, we do not know what to do with you as we do not get many Socialists calling here"

"No problem," replied Gordon, "I am a good Christian, just let me in"

"My Orders are from God himself and since the implementation of his new Heavenly Choices Edict, the policy is this, you have to spend a day in Hell and one day in Heaven, then you choose where you want to live for all eternity"

"I have already made up my mind, I wish to be in Heaven," firmly states Gordon.

"I am so sorry but rules are rules" says Peter as he escorts him down, down and down on an Elevator to the gloomy depths of Hell.…The Doors open and before him Gordon sees a wonderful expanse of lush green grass, a lovely Golf Course, a cloudless blue sky, a temperature of 23 Degrees C, in the distance a beautiful Club House, with Harold Wilson standing inside out of the heat, sipping a Tumbler puffing on his Pipe.

Everywhere Gorton's eyes roam he sees so many Socialist luminaries who have been known to him over the years, and by reputation even further back in time, Jim Callaghan runs up to greet him, followed by John Smith, Michael Foot etc: etc: They hugged him and welcomed him enthusiastically. All were deliriously happy and expensively dressed with awesome Golfing gear.

All enjoying the atmosphere and reminiscing about the good time they had on earth at the expenses of suckers and the peasants.

They dined on Champagne and Caviar after they had enjoyed several games of golf with below Par Scores. Later the Devil himself walked up and offered Gordon a large Tumbler of Tequila which Gordon declined because he had taken a Pledge of Abstinence "This is Hell Son, you can drink and eat all you want here, you never get drunk and never get fat" said the Devil.

The Devil tells him several funny jokes and introduces him to many well known characters from all over the world, all of whom hugged him and greeted him with warm smiles and firm hand shakes. They joked with him about Education, Immigration, Finance and Money, the EEC, Crime and the Labour Party miss — called ideals, plus all of their broken promises.

He was having a marvellous time and was saddened when he learned that his 24 hours were up and he had to go back up to Heaven.

When the Elevator Door opened and he was welcomed by St. Peter he learned that he had to spend the next 24 hours in the company of honest, good — nature and diligent people with high ideals who talked about lots of other things other than Politics and money and seemed to treat every one else decently and honestly. It was quite boring for him because he had never been used to anything like this in all of his adult life!

There were no nasty jokes, no swearing, no fancy Golf Clubs, no Caviar and Champagne, just good folks some poor, some well to do, but all kind and truthful, he just was not used to this at all.

He went up to St. Peter and informed him that he wanted to go back down to Hell, so he is taken to the Elevator and down he goes, down and down until the Doors open and he sees before him a scorched and sparse landscape, all covered with toxic filth and garbage, an industrial wasteland, looking eroded, and just like the Australian Outback, desolation every lace he looked, Rats, Rabbits and Foxes eating human bodies, together with other awful Scavengers.

There were his friends, dressed in tattered rags and all chained together like convicts, picking up rubbish and putting it in Plastic Bags. Moaning and groaning with pain, faces and hands filthy with dirt, grease and other filth. Gasping for water and rest. A sorry sight.

The Devil walks over to Gordon, he put down his blood stained whip, and put his fist his in to Gordons face and said "Welcome home, Brown".

"I do not understand it" stammered a shocked Gordon Brown "I was here yesterday and played golf, I ate like a King or President, we lazed around and drank Tequila, now everything is changed, it is all so different and disgusting, all look so unhappy"

Smiling and simpering slyly the Devil looks at him and purred "Yesterday was our campaigning day, today is different because you have cast your Vote for us!"
*****************************************************************************
This one is from .......can you guess!!! John

I hope it wiggles for you


Ain't it the Truth!!!
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
'How much do you weigh?' she asks.
'115,' she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.

The nurse asks, 'Your height?'
'5 foot 8,' she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5'.

She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
'Of course it's high!' she screams,
'When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!'



Flour and Water

How come when you mix water and flour together

you get glue?..
and then you add eggs

and sugar...
and you get cake?


Where did the glue go ?



NEED AN ANSWER?

You know darned well where it went!



That's what makes the cake
Stick to your BUTT



Now I hope that you've smiled at least once! We all need a good laugh, so keep on smiling!!



Archives:
2007: I'm the proud owner of an Eggbeater T-shirt

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25 Comments:

At 13/2/08 09:12, Blogger ChrisB said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 13/2/08 09:16, Blogger ChrisB said...

The piggies only seem to wiggle their butts if you click on them!!

 
At 13/2/08 10:25, Blogger Willowtree said...

It's so nice to know that my beloved country figures so prominently in Embee's vision of hell ;)

 
At 13/2/08 10:26, OpenID glenyalla said...

I just chescking this gizmo in the comments .

 
At 13/2/08 11:41, Blogger Steffi said...

That´s funny!I like the piggies!

 
At 13/2/08 12:57, Blogger Alix said...

They are great I love the Gordon Brown one!

 
At 13/2/08 12:59, Blogger Asha said...

HeeeeHeeee!! Love the pics there, they did wiggle for me!!

 
At 13/2/08 13:06, Blogger secret squirrel said...

hello again,i have not been doing much with my wacom either as it will not install on my computer but it WILL work on alans (AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH)
If you are using windows then try using it in 'paint' just to get the feel of it and the hang of the tools etc.Actually so far i prefer to use it this way as i find all the tools that are in corel to confusing at the moment but i guess it gets easier with time..and also it depends on what you are trying to do...What are you trying to do? (i guess i should of asked this question first)
OH and i loved the jokes too!!!!!!
xox eve xox

 
At 13/2/08 13:45, Blogger Lil Mouse said...

yup if you click on them they wiggle.

and 5/5 at 140 isnt fat, that's skinny! 115 at 5/8 would be anorexic! ahhhk!

 
At 13/2/08 13:51, Blogger Amy W said...

I love laughing at these posts!!

 
At 13/2/08 13:55, Blogger Sandy said...

Thanks for the smiles, Chris. Always a lovely way to start the day!

 
At 13/2/08 13:56, Blogger Asha said...

Chris, "Pomegranate Soup" book has a beautiful description of Ireland, do read and recommend it to Beccy as well!:)

 
At 13/2/08 13:56, Blogger thefoodsnob said...

Ha, great ones!
I hope my comments stay today.


Lisa

 
At 13/2/08 14:02, Anonymous enidd said...

too right about the glue, chris!

 
At 13/2/08 14:49, Blogger lisa marie said...

That first one still cracks me up! Love the pig butts, nev er seen cuter ones! Now I know why cake goes straight to my bum!

 
At 13/2/08 15:46, Blogger john.g. said...

Nicely done Chris!!

 
At 13/2/08 15:53, Blogger Sam said...

The first joke reminds me of how you explained politics to me when I was a child:

You told me: "I am going to vote Conversative. Conservatives are smart and nice and they wear suits. Labour are scruffy and they pretend to help the poor but really they don't".


I am a rebel like my grandmother.

 
At 13/2/08 15:55, Anonymous Grannymar said...

I really enjoyed these little gems!

 
At 13/2/08 16:10, Blogger ChrisB said...

WT It's getting more like hell on earth here !
I'm glad you tried the open ID I wanted to see how it works~ and now I know.

lil mouse ha I never have to worry about that 'cause I'm the other end of the scale!!

asha yes I think beccy would enjoy it.

sam let me tell you, your granny is always complaining about Gorden Brown. I thought I told you conservatives wear blue ties and labour red ones~ and blue was my favourite colur!!

 
At 13/2/08 17:08, Blogger Sauntering Soul said...

I love the cake joke! So true.

 
At 13/2/08 18:17, OpenID eclecticblog said...

Great laugh this morning! Piggies cuuuute!

 
At 13/2/08 18:34, OpenID Tootsie said...

Touche Mr. Brown!

(I've just posted my funny)

 
At 13/2/08 19:26, Blogger katy said...

thanks for the laughs, excellent, and yep I know where the glue has gone:(

 
At 14/2/08 07:42, Blogger ChrisB said...

katy, enidd, lisa oh how I hate glue!!

tootsie I really enjoyed your WW.

 
At 15/2/08 07:56, Blogger my4kids said...

Those were great Chris!

 

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