Witty Wedsnesday # 83 Tree, Black Bra, Diet

Pamela asked me:

DO YOU KNOW THE FRONT FROM THE BACK OF A TREE???

A REDNECK FROM GEORGIA DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE SOUTH TO VIRGINIA TO SEE GOD'S COUNTRY. WHEN HE GETS TO FRANKLIN, HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY. BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!!!!

HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR. IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!! THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.

THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU! TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS."

THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "THAT THAR'S A WHITEPINE, 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER."

THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!!! HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD. HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.

"THAT'S A LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD FEET."

THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY, HE HAS BEEN QUICK AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!! !!

ONE MORE TEST. THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"

BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, "WHITE OAK, 242 BOARD FEET AT BEST."

THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE RED NECK IS SMARTER THAN HE IS. AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, ANOTHER FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP OUTSIDE.

HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE?" "I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!!"

THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT, HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK.

HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. "THAT THAR'S THE FRONT," THE REDNECK SAYS.

THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

THE GOOD OL' BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, "CUZ SOMEBODY DID THERE BUSINESS BEHIND IT!"

HE GOT THE JOB !!!!!

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Here's Daffy's smile for today:

The Black Bra

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a lack leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.'

Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat.

When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,

'What's for dinner, Batman?

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I borrowed this from Gattina so some of you might remember it from a FM post. But I thought it was so funny and just right today:

ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS!!

1.. You walk pasta da bakery.
2... You walk pasta da candy store.
3.. You walk pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4.. You walk pasta da table and fridge.

You will lose weight!
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Now I just want to mention a friend of EmBee's from way back. He originally emigrated to New Zealand but now lives in Australia. I have extracted a bit from one of his emails:

Christine, I do frequently read your blog page - mainly for the witty Mondays and Wednesdays, some of your jokes I have passed on to a friend in Auckland NZ who still compere's a radio show on a Sunday morning in Auckland. I'm sure he would have used some of them to entertain his listeners. Your blogs have had far reaching effects!

See I might be famous without ever realising it... So thanks Phil for lurking on my blog (you can always leave a comment!) and BTW I did try and set you up on my skype but never got a response- I probably didn't do it correctly!

Have a fun day

Archives:
2008: Fun Monday-52 What's on my Bucket List
2007: Despondent

Fun Monday # 100 Diets!!!!

Today Grace is our hostess with the mostest and this is what she is asking of us:

Many people make resolutions during the month of January and they usually include diets/eating healthy/losing weight and all that good stuff. I myself decided to try the Weight Watchers. My assignment is to tell us about a diet or two (Atkins, Sonoma, Weight Watchers, South Beach, the You on a Diet, Best Life, The Abs Diet etc) that you have tried and what you liked or did not like about it. You can tell us about one diet that you had so much success with, or another that was a torture to follow or both.

My weight problem started from birth so I blame my mother-I was fed on cows milk from a very early age-yes straight from the cow. Plus I'm told my grampy used to wake me up to give me chocolate when he came home from the pub late at night. I didn't stand a chance...

Like many people I have tried a few diets such as high protein, cabbage diet, but none were very successful because, of course,as soon as you ease off the weight just piles on with interest (a bit like a loan really).

The best diet for me was when my first husband walked out on us (not that I'm suggesting this method of slimming). However at that time, I just didn't feel hungry and I couldn't eat much for ages and the weight just dropped off me. I dropped a couple of dress sizes in no time at all. I managed to keep it off for quite a few years, it helped that I played tennis, I used to exercise and, quite often, walk 4 miles to work. Then I changed jobs, I was sitting around a lot more and we often took in baking for coffee time and you've guessed it the pounds crept back.

One thing I have tried that really does work is detoxing and completely changing the way you eat.
I think it was back in about 2002 that I tried my first Detox retreat mainly because one of my friends was keen to go and she wanted some company. We went to a farm in Devon and followed a very strict regime for a week, that included this. We also learned about food and how eating raw food was much better for the body to process. I followed all the preparation advice for the month before we went. It was not nearly as difficult as I imagined to not eat for a week. We went swimming everyday and I took walks, although lots of the others did not have the energy to get out of bed. We could also book treatments and I had a couple of lovely massages.

It was having the first small meal of raw fruit and veg at the end of the week that made me realise how delicious tomatoes could be-before this I did not like raw tomatoes. I felt incredibly healthy and my skin and hair had improved. I had lost quite a few pounds as well. When I got home I was determined to keep up eating only raw food. I managed it for a few months but then came Christmas and that was my undoing. I did go on another retreat the following year but second time around I was less enthusiastic.

Dieting really doesn't work it's sensible eating and cutting out all the rubbish that has to be a way of life. For the last couple of years I've not been strong willed enough to stick to sensible eating. Doing this post has really made me think that I need to take myself in hand and make a determined effort to eat a lot more raw food and no junk.

For Photo assignment, Grace asks that we post a photo of something/someone that makes you feel good about yourself.
No prizes for guessing it's my family who make me happy.

Archives:
2008: I nearly didn't join the party + Keepng Sam Company

2007: A huge Thank you +Sleeping Beauty

Garfield on Diets

This is Embee's story and he's sticking to it. This has been on the wall of his study since the 80's. ..........it's beginning to fade unfortunately our waist lines aren't!


Archives:
2007: The Council knows best!