Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Witty Wedsnesday # 83 Tree, Black Bra, Diet



Pamela asked me:

DO YOU KNOW THE FRONT FROM THE BACK OF A TREE???

A REDNECK FROM GEORGIA DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE SOUTH TO VIRGINIA TO SEE GOD'S COUNTRY. WHEN HE GETS TO FRANKLIN, HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY. BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!!!!

HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR. IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!! THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.

THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU! TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS."

THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "THAT THAR'S A WHITEPINE, 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER."

THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!!! HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD. HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.

"THAT'S A LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD FEET."

THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY, HE HAS BEEN QUICK AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!! !!

ONE MORE TEST. THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"

BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, "WHITE OAK, 242 BOARD FEET AT BEST."

THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE RED NECK IS SMARTER THAN HE IS. AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, ANOTHER FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP OUTSIDE.

HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE?" "I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!!"

THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT, HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK.

HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. "THAT THAR'S THE FRONT," THE REDNECK SAYS.

THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

THE GOOD OL' BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, "CUZ SOMEBODY DID THERE BUSINESS BEHIND IT!"

HE GOT THE JOB !!!!!

***********************
Here's Daffy's smile for today:

The Black Bra


I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a lack leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.'

Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat.

When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,

'What's for dinner, Batman?

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I borrowed this from Gattina so some of you might remember it from a FM post. But I thought it was so funny and just right today:

ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS!!

1.. You walk pasta da bakery.
2... You walk pasta da candy store.
3.. You walk pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4.. You walk pasta da table and fridge.

You will lose weight!
******************************
Now I just want to mention a friend of EmBee's from way back. He originally emigrated to New Zealand but now lives in Australia. I have extracted a bit from one of his emails:

Christine, I do frequently read your blog page - mainly for the witty Mondays and Wednesdays, some of your jokes I have passed on to a friend in Auckland NZ who still compere's a radio show on a Sunday morning in Auckland. I'm sure he would have used some of them to entertain his listeners. Your blogs have had far reaching effects!

See I might be famous without ever realising it... So thanks Phil for lurking on my blog (you can always leave a comment!) and BTW I did try and set you up on my skype but never got a response- I probably didn't do it correctly!

Have a fun day

Archives:
2008: Fun Monday-52 What's on my Bucket List
2007: Despondent

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6 Comments:

At 4/2/09 12:33, Blogger Asha said...

ROTFL!! Babba did good there!!

 
At 4/2/09 14:31, OpenID daffy said...

teehee brilliant as ever Chris!
Even laughed at my own again! ;o)

 
At 4/2/09 16:05, Blogger john.g. said...

Good stuff! Supergran!

 
At 5/2/09 22:14, Blogger Sam said...

why all the caps. they are so uncool?

 
At 5/2/09 22:56, Blogger ChrisB said...

Sam it was sent to me like that -anyway I didn't think oldies needed to be cool!

 
At 6/2/09 07:49, Blogger Pamela said...

I didn't even realize it was all caps until I saw it there --

I was thinking that your Phil delurked a day after Punxtsutawny Phil, the groundhog.)

 

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