Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Witty Wednesday # 72 Christmas, Adultery



John thought we needed to get the Christmas jokes started:

2008's First Christmas Joke


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow a and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"


The man replied, "These are Carols."


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ADULTERY

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'

************************
A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part that he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,'the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

*********************
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
*******************************
Man and Wife Shopping

A husband and wife are doing their grocery shopping.
The man picks up a case of beer and sticks it into the shopping trolley. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife 'They're on sale, only £10.00 for 24 cans', he says.
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20.00 jar of face cream and sticks
it into the cart. 'Whoa, what do you think you're doing?' asks the man. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.

The man replies...'SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER, AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE!'

I can't remember whether I've posted this last one before!!! See I'm getting a bit forgetful and that's not funny!!! Have a fun day and remember it's all downhill to the weekend!

Archives:
2007: Fun Monday-41

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11 Comments:

At 12/11/08 11:19, Anonymous EmBee said...

Very good we liked them all,love

 
At 12/11/08 12:11, Blogger Aoj and The Lurchers said...

*falls off chair laughing!!*

 
At 12/11/08 13:42, Blogger kitten said...

Thanks for the laughs this morning!!!!!

 
At 12/11/08 13:56, Blogger Anvilcloud said...

I enjoyed more than one chuckle this morning.

 
At 12/11/08 14:38, Anonymous nikki said...

As always, thank you for my Wednesday morning laugh!

 
At 12/11/08 18:14, Blogger john.g. said...

Nice, Chris!

 
At 12/11/08 20:25, OpenID daffy said...

Ah lovely jokes... see! that's cos I wasn't around to lower the tone and get you into trouble with your lovely girls!
Brilliant Chris, needed a giggle too!

 
At 13/11/08 03:31, Blogger Pamela said...

laughing is supposed to be good for the heart....

so thanks for your investment in my health today.

 
At 13/11/08 23:37, Blogger storyteller said...

Although it seems a wee bit early since it’s not yet Thanksgiving … I enjoyed the holiday chuckle and the others too. I shared some 'funnies' today at Small Reflections ... just because ;--)
Hugs and blessings,

 
At 14/11/08 06:13, Anonymous KarmynR said...

For some reason that first joke totally reminded me of another one I heard long ago. I will have to post it next week!!!

 
At 14/11/08 13:22, OpenID marmiteandtea said...

LOL I loved all of those :)

 

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