Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Witty Wednesday # 66 Cake or Bed and more



I have John to thank for this:

CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.'

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, 'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'POWERGEN' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!' THEN THE WIFE ASKS, 'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT'

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, 'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'FRIDGIDAIRE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!' SHE SAYS 'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK'

'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS', HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'TAYLOR WOODROW' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!'

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'
SHE SAID, 'WELL,
WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.'

HE SAID, 'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?'

SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE 'MR KIPLING' WRITTEN ON MY
FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO!'
************************************
Embee is responsible for this:

CALM

Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.
Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.
Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece
Chherrsss
**********************************
Daffy sent me this:

Fairy tale

One day, long, long ago there lived a woman who did not whine, or nag
But this was a long time ago.......and it was just that one day.

The End
NO COMMENT NECESSARY!


**********************************
Barbara forwarded this from Yoli's blog:

Poetry

A Woman's Poem

Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door.

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And always be my very best friend.

A Man's Poem

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a s***.

Enjoy your day

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19 Comments:

At 24/9/08 08:16, Blogger little wanderer said...

my day has started with a laugh thank you

 
At 24/9/08 08:31, Blogger Beccy said...

Love the poems Barbara sent you

 
At 24/9/08 08:31, Anonymous EmBee said...

Re The Fairy Tale - I remember the day!!!Love

 
At 24/9/08 08:31, Anonymous EmBee said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 24/9/08 08:49, Blogger ChrisB said...

embee hahaha

 
At 24/9/08 09:00, Anonymous daffy said...

Brilliant...
the first one is brilliant.
I'm going to share with my hubby.... as a warning.
The hall staircase has been waiting to be decorated for weeks... ;o)
oh and I'm pretty sure we ladies have all managed more than one day... that one day when the blokes did everything right... erm maybe just the one day then! :o)

 
At 24/9/08 10:37, OpenID tootsie said...

A young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

Next floor another young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 dollars an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both of the women in the eyes, turns around, bends over, lets rip a fart that rattles the walls and brings tears to the eyes and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"

Not playing but had to share!

 
At 24/9/08 13:07, Blogger kitten said...

Thank you for the laugh for the day!

 
At 24/9/08 14:32, Anonymous nikki said...

Witty Wednesday is my favorite day of the blog week!

 
At 24/9/08 14:49, Blogger Sally said...

Brilliant Chris!

 
At 24/9/08 15:50, Blogger storyteller said...

Thanks for the chuckles. I do so look forward to and enjoy your Witty Wednesday posts each week.
Hugs and blessings,

 
At 24/9/08 16:03, Blogger ChrisB said...

Tootsie that's a great one I do hope others read it LOL

 
At 24/9/08 16:19, Blogger Robocop said...

I LOVED the Fairy Tale.

 
At 24/9/08 18:24, OpenID daffy said...

Tootsie made me giggle too!

 
At 24/9/08 21:16, Blogger Aoj and The Lurchers said...

ROFLOL!!

 
At 24/9/08 23:44, OpenID abritdifferent said...

Excellent! Thanks for the laughs.

 
At 25/9/08 00:20, Blogger Jettie said...

I have alwaoved the cake one!!! and love the fairy tale one!! that is so cute!!!

 
At 25/9/08 03:45, Blogger Team Gherkin said...

Good laughs - thank you!

 
At 25/9/08 12:11, Blogger Barbara said...

loved the cake or bed joke.

 

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