Witty Wednesday # 121 Maxine Cartoons

A few more Maxine cartoons from Daffy

Ha ha I can relate to these!!!!!

Archives:
2007: Evening to Remember
2007: Silent Sunday
2007: None

Witty Wednesday # 113

Just one today it arrived from Daffy this morning and just had to share it...
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.

'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?

The bee answered,




Wait for it...



You're just gonna love this..


I see you smiling!!! 
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I'm disappointed that the animation doesn't work for you it's fine on mine so let me know if you see below.

Hope the non animated version shows so you get the picture!

POSTSCRIPT FOR FUN MONDAY;

IS THERE A VOLUNTEER FOR NEXT WEEK????

Archives:
2008: Feeding Time
2007: How to relax

Witty Wednesday # 107

I am by myself this afternoon as both my daughters have gone visiting friends. So I thought I would just do a very quick WW post.

Now I'm not quite sure why Embee sent me this one, especially as he's not a football fan!

THE LOVING HUSBAND

A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"


The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral."
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If you are easily offended by a 'naughty' joke do not read on this is from Daffy


An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled,

'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression,

Margaret replied,

'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert,
Shoulda bought a hat.'
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Thought for the Day



Handle every stressful situation like a dog.
If you can't eat it or play with it, just pee on it and walk away.

Archives:
2008: Anyone for Tennis
2007: Meme

Witty Wednesday # 105 Cruise Diary

Thank you for this one Daffy.


Cruise Diary

DEAR DIARY . DAY ONE

I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.

______________________________________________________
DEAR DIARY . DAY TWO

We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins.What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.

______________________________________________________
DEAR DIARY DAY THREE

I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.

_____________________________________________________
DEAR DIARY . DAY FOUR

Went to the ship's casino did OK ... won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.

______________________________________________________
DEAR DIARY .. DAY FIVE

Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled.

______________________________________________________
DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX

I saved 1600 lives today... Four times!

Archives:
2008: Special Visitors
2007: My 300th Post

Witty Wednesday # 61 Blonde, Vodka, Irish

Embee emailed me this one this morning so with apologies to blondes:

BLONDE

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASK TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.'

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.'

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, 'YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE.'

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, 'OH, I'M SORRY.' AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY..

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.


'I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO '.

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This Vodka one is also from embee:

The perils of VODKA

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the sh-it out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) WhenJesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat, for this is my body.' He did not say, 'Eat me.'

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'..

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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This Irish joke arrived in my inbox, from John yesterday.


Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.

Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2008!

We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'

And Paddy said, ' How da fock was I 'spose to pick them up !!!

Hope these put smile on your face and remember it's all down hill to the weekend!

Archives:
2007: Fun Monday-30

Witty Wednesday # 55

Having been in a long queue at Faro airport recently where everyone behaved impeccably, this joke from John has me smiling :)

For all Employees Who Work with Rude Customers

An award should go to the Westjet gate attendant in Kelowna some 12 months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded flight was canceled after Westjet's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS."

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please; may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this) "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."

Have a fun day and I hope your weather is better than ours.....it's raining again!


Archives:
2007: Fun Monday- 24

Witty Wednesday # 20

Only one joke today as I'm in a bit of a hurry, sorry I haven't been able to do much visiting the last couple of days. I do have a post I want to run but Sam says she has to approve it and I'm waiting for for her to do this!!!!! In the mean time I'll leave you with....

The Seamstress

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a
golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver
thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the
woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked
her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would
have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.

Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney."

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others.
That's the story, and I'm sticking to it. What do you think ladies, gents and sea dogs?!?!

By the way this came via John !

Witty Wednesday # 19

From Embee:

Hospital Stay

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients? I'd like to find out if a family member is doing better."

The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

"I'll connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Are you a family member?"

"Yes, Yes I am.."

"Hold on.. let me look at her records... Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, looks like Dr. Cohen is going to se nd her home very soon!"

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a sister or perhaps an aunt..?"

"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302... and NOBODY ever tells me shit!"
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Man walks past a pet shop - sees an advert for a talking centipede £5000.00. So he buys it and takes it home in a little box. After about half an hour he says to the centipede "fancy a pint". No answer. Do you fancy a pint he shouts. No answer. He takes the lid off the box and hollers "do you fancy a pint". The centipede raised his head and replied "I heard you the first time I'm putting my shoes on.
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If you do not pay your excorcist - you can be repossessed
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From John

Frozen Cows

A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues. It had been a cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen. The gravity of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty. Just then, an elderly woman walked by. "What's the matter?" asked the old lady. The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman. Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cow's noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud. One by one
the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals. The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed. She declined his offer and walked off across the field. A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. "You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by. "No" said the farmer, "who?" "That was Thora Hird."

(Thora Hird was a comedy actress who died a few years ago, following a stroke)

As it's Wednesday it's now all downhill to the weekend.

Witty Wednesday # 16

Senility was sent to me by my friend Ruth.. I wonder what she's trying to tell me!!!!

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.


Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Tesco "Tesco?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Tesco?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week ."

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

Don't think of it as getting hot flushes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down It's too hard to get back up!

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.


THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now did I remember to thank her for this!!!!!
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This is John's ........ Lesson in Logic

If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.
.............................................................
I was born intelligent- education ruined me.
.............................................................
Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?
............................................................
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
.............................................................
Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.
.............................................................
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
.............................................................
Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.
.............................................................
One should love animals.
They are so tasty.
.............................................................
Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
.............................................................
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
.............................................................
The wise never marry, and when they marry they become otherwise.
.............................................................
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
.............................................................
Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.
.............................................................
"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep
............................................................
There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning
.............................................................
"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk
.............................................................
"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours
.............................................................
God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.
............................................................
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.
.........................................................
A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........

Have a fun packed day :)

Witty Wednesday # 16

From embee

TwoFer

1. Pirate Humor
A pirate walks into a bar with his fly unzipped and a steering wheel down his pants. A few patrons give him funny looks as he approaches the bar. After he orders a drink, the bartender asks him, "You know you have a steering wheel hanging from your package?" "Ay," the pirate responds.

"It's drivin' me nuts!"

2. Fidelity
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. And you know what?" "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."
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What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife".
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk?
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type"?
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types! of bras to choose from".

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The sales lady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer"?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.
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Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} B! arely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
******************************************
They forgot the German bra.

Holtzemfromfloppen!

After a week of sunshine we are back to stormy weather here so I don't think I will be in the garden today. I had a little catastrophe on Monday afternoon. A shelf of books collapsed as I was reaching for a book, luckily it didn't land on me. However, books scattered all over the room and there are three holes where the fixings used to be. Embee promised to fix it when he got home from work yesterday but that didn't happen so I think today I will tidy the books in readiness... are you reading this embee!!!

Witty Wednesday # 15

Thank you Suzanne for this one (Suzanne is a lurker. I know she sometimes read my blog but she hasn't yet comment!!)

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river.

Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, “God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross. The river." Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

John contributed these:

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.

The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother. It says: "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle … it makes your nose look too short." Love, Grandma

A gentle smile.

An Amish boy and his father on a rare day out of the Community, had gone to visit a distant town, where they found themselves in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.… "Go and fetch your mother."

Enjoy the rest of your week we're now half way to the weekend!!

Witty Wednesday # 11

Girlie Wisdom

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of
chocolates can make a woman gain 5lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers.

Every 7 minutes of everyday, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...
"You know, sometimes I forget to eat!" .....Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys. But I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills...she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.

My body is not all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said "Body, how would you like to go to the six o'clock class of vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said "Listen witch.....do it and die."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are - eating too much; impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!

Pastors Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race, and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is... being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery... and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life... Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Senility Prayer

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start
exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter
asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your
husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm
half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Tesco "Tesco?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Tesco?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week ."

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

Don't think of it as getting hot flushes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down It's too hard to get back up!

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.


THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into
the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

LIVE SIMPLY.....LAUGH OFTEN....LOVE DEEPLY..... and always have fun!!

Witty Wednesday # 9

The Frog:

A guy is 71 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

Satan:

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do,"

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.*

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.*

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

Yep," was the calm reply.

And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Being married to your sister for 48 years kinda made me imune to fear."

I think these came via embee- I wonder is he trying to tell me something!!!!

LOVE A DRUNK .

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband. "It is 3 o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push!"
"Did you help him?" she asks. "No. I did not. It is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!"
His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man reluctantly gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello. Are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk"

Thank you johng for this one.

Hope this puts a :) on your face to start the day.

Witty Wednesday # 7 The Dentist and Frank!

The Dentist
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they. Decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says "Yes... How did you figure that out?" "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they're done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist." The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you figure that out?" "I Didn't feel a thing!"

Beccy has reminded me that she has already published his second joke so apologies and I have added another.

To Be Frank
A man walks into the street and the rain, and immediately manages to hail a cruising taxi just about to pass by. He tells the driver his destination, gets into the taxi and the cabbie says “Perfect timing, just like Frank”.

The man says “Who?”

Cabbie : “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy that did everything right – all the time. Like I was passing, just as you came out of that building there. Things like that always happened to Frank Feldman”

Passenger : “Well there must be some clouds in everyone’s life, surely?”

Cabbie : “Not with Frank Feldman! He was a great athlete too. Could have won a tennis Grand Slam, played golf with the pros, anything. He sang like Sinatra, danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano. Sensational! What a guy, eh?”

Passenger : “Sounds like he was someone really special, then”

Cabbie : “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He’d remember everyone’s birthday or anniversary. He knew all about dining out, which wines to order, which cutlery to use, all that stuff. And he could fix
anything, he was an expert electrician, carpenter, plumber and so on. Me, I change a fuse and it knocks out all the lighting in the street. Not Frank Feldman, he got everything right”.

Passenger : “Wow, some guy then!”

Cabbie : “And he always knew the quickest way to get from A to B, avoiding traffic jams, not like me. I always seem to get stuck in them”.

Passenger : “Mmmm. There aren’t many like him around”.

Cabbie : “And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even when she was wrong. He was always immaculately dressed, too. Shoes always polished, clothes always exactly right for the occasion – he was just the perfect gentleman. Never made a mistake. Nobody could ever measure up to Frank Feldman”.

Passenger : “An amazing fellow! How did you meet him?”

Cabbie : “Well, I never actually met Frank”

Passenger : “Well, how do you know so much about him, then?”

Cabbie : “Because I married his widow, that’s how”.

Hope this started your day with a bit of a giggle- me I'm off doggy walking in the rain!!

This is the post script joke

The Frog

A guy is 71 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

I got this one from Embee!!

Witty Wednesday # 6 11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They were unable to decide who would let go, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids and for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.

It was suggested that this is SENT THIS TO ALL THE INTELLIGENT WOMEN I KNOW SO THEY CAN HAVE SOMETHING TO SMILE ABOUT TODAY! Sorry chaps I don't write 'em and we did have a blonde joke last week!

Witty Wednesday # 5 'Blonde' joke

Sorry ladies but this gave me a chuckle and I didn't foresee the punch line:

A blonde rings her boyfriend and says, "please come over here and help me, I have a killer jigsaw and I can't figure out how to get started". Boyfriend asks,"what is it supposed to be when it is finished"? Blonde replies "according to the picture on the box, it is a Tiger". Boyfriend decides he had better go over and help. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies it for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says:- "First of all, no matter what we do, we are not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger" and taking her by the hand continues "Secondly I want you to relax, go and have a cup of tea and then "he sighed" you can help me get all these Frosties back in the box.

Pretty awful I know groan groan !!

Witty Wednesday # 4....What's the problem Eve

What's the problem Eve:

Lord, I have a problem
" What's the problem, Eve? "

"I know you created me, provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious snake, but I'm just not happy."

"And why is that, Eve? "
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you".

"Man? What is that Lord? "
"A flawed creature . . . he'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he'll need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great, " says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch, Lord? "
"Well. . . .you can have him on one condition."

"And what's that Lord? "
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant! , self admiring. . . . . so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret. . . . . . . you know, woman to woman."

Grandma changed

In the dim and distant past
When life's tempo wasn't so fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat and baby sit.

When the kids were in a jam,
They could always call on Gram.
But today she's in the gym
Exercising to keep slim.

She's checking the web or surfing the net,
Sending some e-mail or placing a bet.
Nothing seems to stop or block her,
Now that Grandma's off her rocker.hehehe is this me well I don't 'bet'


I'll leave you with a quote that fits my mood these days!!

The most memorable moments in life can be enjoyed by doing nothing.
--- Sheila Edenfield

So I'm off to do nothing as soon as I've prepared dinner, hung the washing, cleaned the house.............well I might get a few minutes to read the paper!!

Witty Wednesday # 3.... 21st Century thinking

I think my hubby should start his own blog of humour he's become a real fan of Merle's when he found her link on my blog. This is another sent to him by a friend and he has now started emailing them to me when he's at work.


A 17 year old girl tells her Mother that she has not had a Period for 2 Months. Very worried the Mum buys a Pregnancy Test Kit from Boots. The Test result proves Positive.

The Mother screams "Who was the filthy Pig who did this to you? I must know."

Nonchalantly the girl picks up the Phone, dials a Number and speaks softly. 30 minutes later there is a ring at the front door bell, the Mother peeps through the window, sees a 2007 Model Ferrari parked in the drive, goes to the door and opens it to be greeted by a mature and distinguished looking man with slightly greying hair, expertly coiffured, attired in an Armami suit, with gold rings adorning his fingers and an expensive watch around his wrist. He kisses her extended hand and enters the house.

He, the Mother, Father and Girl sit in the humble lounge to discuss the problem facing them all.

The man speaks first and says "I appreciate the problem, I cannot marry your daughter as my personal circumstances would not permit it, you can be however assured that I will take 100% charge and cover all and any costs, now and in the future, and for the rest of her and the unborn Baby's life."

The Parents nod approvingly.

He continues "Also, and in addition, if the Baby is a Girl I will settle 2 large Department Stores upon her, a Town House and a Beach front Villa in the West Indies and a £2,000,000.00 Bank Account and £3,000.00 per month rising by £500.00 per month for every year of her Life. If the Baby is a Boy, he will be bequeathed 2 Factories and a £4,000,000.00 Bank Account and a Mansion in the Country, plus £4,000.00 per month. With annual raises the same as the girl. If they are Twins, each Twin will receive a Factory, Town House, a Yacht and £2,000,000.00 each, plus £1,500.00 per month, plus similar annual raises - - - - - - However if there is a miscarriage, well to be perfectly honest, I am not sure what to do then?"

At this point the father of the girl, both he and his wife had remained silent and dumb — struck through all of this, unbelieving what they were being told, sprang to his feet, placed a hand firmly on both of the man's shoulder and tells him, shaking him fiercely and shouting at him, telling the scared man what he must do:-


Scroll down a little bit.




Scroll down a teeny bit more.




Scroll down just a shade more.


'Ere'tis,


"You must make love to her again!" (was it a bit too obvious!!!)


Postscript:

As I was preparing this post yesterday, I happened to be listening to the Chris Evan radio show and he posed a question that struck me as being rather amusing so I'm going to put the same question to you to see if you can come up with an answer (hopefully) without googling it. Sorry no prizes for this one.

Q: How did the sirloin steak get its name?

I'll post the answer tomorrow.

Witty Wednesday # 2

This is my second attempt to make you laugh. As many of you will be aware my daughter lives in Dublin and my son-in-law is Irish. I love the warm friendly Irish hospitality and I know they enjoy a good joke.

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat
this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have
lost at least 5 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost Nearly
30 pounds!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?"

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were
going to drop dead dat 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from all dat f*ckin' 'skippin' " the Irishman said . 
 

I expect you got there before the punch line as I did but it still had me laughing.

Witty Wednesday

Are you a wag? No I don't mean (a wife and girlfriend- although of course you probably are) I was referring to 'a humorous or droll person; a wit; in my opinion bloggers certainly fit this bill.
Friends seem to have been sending me a lot of jokes recently and, when I've been doing research, I've found a couple of web sites devoted to quotes and sayings . Rather than throwing these in randomly I'm going to devote my next few Wednesdays to trying to make you laugh or groan!!

If anyone else would like to run with this that would be fun or if you hate the idea you know not to visit me on Wednesdays for the next few weeks.

I'm also a regular visitor to Merle Third Try whose posts are a mixure of serious and fun and if you haven't visited her blog you might like to hop over and visit. She has just mastered the art of posting photos so there's a picture of her with her cousin and if you scoll down you will find a family photo as well.

See below for my first offering..