Witty Wednesday # 19

From Embee:

Hospital Stay

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients? I'd like to find out if a family member is doing better."

The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

"I'll connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Are you a family member?"

"Yes, Yes I am.."

"Hold on.. let me look at her records... Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, looks like Dr. Cohen is going to se nd her home very soon!"

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a sister or perhaps an aunt..?"

"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302... and NOBODY ever tells me shit!"
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Man walks past a pet shop - sees an advert for a talking centipede £5000.00. So he buys it and takes it home in a little box. After about half an hour he says to the centipede "fancy a pint". No answer. Do you fancy a pint he shouts. No answer. He takes the lid off the box and hollers "do you fancy a pint". The centipede raised his head and replied "I heard you the first time I'm putting my shoes on.
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If you do not pay your excorcist - you can be repossessed
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From John

Frozen Cows

A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues. It had been a cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen. The gravity of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty. Just then, an elderly woman walked by. "What's the matter?" asked the old lady. The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman. Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cow's noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud. One by one
the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals. The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed. She declined his offer and walked off across the field. A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. "You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by. "No" said the farmer, "who?" "That was Thora Hird."

(Thora Hird was a comedy actress who died a few years ago, following a stroke)

As it's Wednesday it's now all downhill to the weekend.