Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Witty Wednesday # 16


Senility was sent to me by my friend Ruth.. I wonder what she's trying to tell me!!!!

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.


Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Tesco "Tesco?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Tesco?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week ."

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

Don't think of it as getting hot flushes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down It's too hard to get back up!

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.


THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now did I remember to thank her for this!!!!!
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This is John's ........ Lesson in Logic

If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.
.............................................................
I was born intelligent- education ruined me.
.............................................................
Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?
............................................................
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
.............................................................
Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.
.............................................................
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
.............................................................
Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.
.............................................................
One should love animals.
They are so tasty.
.............................................................
Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
.............................................................
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
.............................................................
The wise never marry, and when they marry they become otherwise.
.............................................................
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
.............................................................
Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.
.............................................................
"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep
............................................................
There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning
.............................................................
"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk
.............................................................
"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours
.............................................................
God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.
............................................................
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.
.........................................................
A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........


Have a fun packed day :)

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16 Comments:

At 22/8/07 10:46, Blogger Sally Lomax said...

Have a fun fun Wednesday Chris!

 
At 22/8/07 12:25, Blogger her indoors said...

very funny that has cheered me up no end thank you

 
At 22/8/07 13:01, Blogger Beccy said...

The driving licence one reminded me of granny!

 
At 22/8/07 13:32, Blogger Asha said...

LOL!! I am back home and to Witty Wednesday! That feels great!
Eat to fill the wrinkles made me laugh!:)

 
At 22/8/07 13:32, Blogger ChrisB said...

beccy she is out with kathleen today so I wonder what mishap they will have this time!!

 
At 22/8/07 13:44, Blogger ChrisB said...

asha I wondered if I should try that as the creams don't seem to be working that well!!

 
At 22/8/07 16:05, Blogger lisa's chaos said...

My favorite two are the one about the inner child playing with matches causing hotflashes and the one about light speed and sound speed and bright people.

Thanx for the laughs!

 
At 22/8/07 16:07, Blogger Beckie said...

I always enjoy reading your witty wednesdays! The driver's lincense one is a lot like my mother....she finally gave it up - thank God!

 
At 22/8/07 18:07, Blogger john.g. said...

Nice first joke, Chris, the wrinkles tickled me!

 
At 22/8/07 18:34, Blogger Tiger Lamb Girl said...

The undertaker and the 96 yr old woman cracked me up.

Everytime I read your WW, I'm tempted to post some of the jokes I've got saved....but I always think everyone's probably already heard them all.

 
At 22/8/07 18:43, Anonymous Robin said...

I received the "senility section" via email before, but it made me smile reading it again today. Glad you're keeping up with Witty Wednesdays (it reminds me what day of the week it is!)

 
At 22/8/07 20:11, Anonymous Karmyn R said...

One should love animals.
They are so tasty.


This is only true if it isn't skunk.

 
At 23/8/07 01:48, Anonymous Willowtree said...

I had a really clever retort for thins post, but I'll be buggered if I can remember what it was!

 
At 23/8/07 01:50, Anonymous Willowtree said...

Ah, that would be 'this' not 'thins' unless of course we're talking about potato crisps (see I speak British as well as American and Aussie), in which case I'll take "thins for 100".

 
At 23/8/07 06:12, Blogger Pamela said...

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


I tried that.... they were just fat wrinkles.

 
At 23/8/07 07:46, Blogger ChrisB said...

tigger lamb girl 'witty weds' is not exclusive to me. I started it because friends were sending me jokes and it seemed a good way to fill a mid week slot. Anyone can join in as far as I'm concerned and people will say if they've heard the jokes before but if like me you don't remember all of them it's nice to hear them again.

WT hahaha!

Pamela 'love the fat wrinkles' :)

beckie I now worry when my mum goes out with her friend (on Weds) who is 84 and still driving because she come back with some scary stories- like driving down a one way street the wrong way and going through a red light!!

 

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