Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Witty Wednesday # 80-Spell Check and Corny!

Thank you Daffy for sending me these:


I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.

If you like corny read on!!!!

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'

Have a Happy Day.

2008: Fun Monday-49
2007: Help I've been tagged!

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At 14/1/09 12:39, Blogger Asha said...

Happy day to you too, we just started here! :))

That spell checker is hilarious. Whatever happened to good old clean English? :D
You should see how these teenagers are texting on the phones here. They even a have a dictionary to unlock the meanings!!! :P

At 14/1/09 14:22, Blogger Mal's Team Gherkin said...

Thanks for the fun smiles, ma'am :)

At 14/1/09 15:50, Blogger john.g. said...

Very good! LOL!

At 14/1/09 20:38, Blogger Beckie said...

I love WW!

I have that spell check problem sometimes- my brain just doesn't work write. :)

At 14/1/09 23:59, Blogger Pamela said...

I'm going to have to have someone who plays darts explain that one to me.

Maybe I just need a nap!

At 15/1/09 01:28, Blogger karisma said...

Oh I love that poem, must show it to my mum thats how she spells (lol).

At 15/1/09 03:41, Anonymous jettied said...

ummm how come i completley understood that first one????? oohh man!!

At 15/1/09 16:13, Blogger Steffi said...

Sorry Chris because at this week I have only few time to bogging.Anne go on Saturday to South Africa and we have still a lot to organize....I want to let you know this.

Greetings to Beccy!


At 15/1/09 19:41, Blogger Sabrina said...

Good laughs! Thanks!

At 15/1/09 21:48, Blogger MAYBELLINE said...

Thanks for the grin!

At 15/1/09 22:06, Anonymous happily retired gal said...

I've seen the first poem and a few of the others, but appreciate the laughter as always. Thanks for visiting my first Witty Wednesday at Small Reflections. I did a second one at Happily Retired Gal just because.
Hugs and blessings,

At 15/1/09 22:54, Blogger Mama Zen said...

The last one is my favorite!

At 18/1/09 19:19, Anonymous Anonymous said...

:o) Thanks for the mention! Still made me chuckle.


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