Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Witty Wednesday # 102

Daffy These are funny thank you.

Letters to the council

Some of this is nearly English: Sentences in letters written to
councils in the UK

1.. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow

2.. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3.. I wish to complain that my father burnt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage..

4.. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5.. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6..My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7.. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8.. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9.. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10.. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are Plain filthy.

11.. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

12.. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is Cleared.

13..Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14..Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15..I want to complain about the farmer across the road.. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16..The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17..Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third So please send someone round to do something about it.

18..I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19..Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20.. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21.. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22.. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

23..He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.


Mary & Sam, a Quickie.

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a lollypop and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
'There's a car being towed from the parking lot' he shouted.
'An Ambulance just drove by.'
'Looks like the Anderson's have company' he continued.
'Matt's riding a new bike ...'
'Looks like the Sanders are moving'
'Jason is on his skate board ...'

'The Coopers are having sex!!'
Startled, his Mum and Dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out 'How do you know they are having sex?'

'Jimmy Cooper is on his balcony with a lollipop.'


2007, 2008: No Archives

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At 1/7/09 11:49, Anonymous EmBee said...

Some years ago I worked in the retail coal trade and we had a scrapbook of similar letters including my favourite, "am in bed with twins need more send Jones"!! Love EmBee

At 1/7/09 11:58, Anonymous Grannymar said...

I must have very healthy eyes... the tears of laughter are running down my face reading that list.

At 1/7/09 14:13, Blogger Anvilcloud said...

I laughed harder than I have for a long time over those letters to the council. Thanks.

At 1/7/09 15:40, Anonymous rummuser said...

I came here via Grannymar's blog. These are simply fantastic. Do keep them coming.

At 2/7/09 01:10, Anonymous Karmyn R said...

Oh that poor 18 year old whose been banging his balls against the fence. That once had me laughing out loud!!!!

At 2/7/09 07:35, Blogger Pamela said...

better make sure we don't trip on the garden path. whew! ha ha

At 2/7/09 11:02, Blogger Peter said...

Any lolipops around???

At 2/7/09 11:14, Blogger Steffi said...

Very funny WW!

At 2/7/09 15:38, Blogger john.g. said...


At 2/7/09 21:27, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Still chuckling over here! :o)

At 3/7/09 12:30, Blogger ChrisB said...

hello rummuser thanks for dropping in on my blog :)

At 5/7/09 15:27, Anonymous Swampy said...

#8 is my favorite !

I always wondered how that happened. Now I know.

At 6/7/09 19:56, Blogger Beccy said...

No longer blogging?

At 6/7/09 20:03, Blogger ChrisB said...

beccy I have 6 china drafts waiting to post, but then I wonder is it worth it.

At 6/7/09 22:56, Blogger Beccy said...

I'd like to read them mum, I've been checking in all week looking.

At 6/7/09 23:33, Blogger MarmiteToasty said...



At 7/7/09 07:18, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wonders where the posts about China are...
Wonders if Chrisb is having more with the tortoises... (Is that the right plural... like sheeps and mouses?)
Wonders if I stay here long enough Chris might come along and give me something to read. :o)
Hope you are ok. I feel the same (I think) All my blog gets at the moment is a few hurriedly taken snaps of squirrels. Maybe my muse and your muse have took off for a long holiday somewhere exciting and soon they will return and you and I will be posting like mad women! ;o)

At 7/7/09 13:46, Blogger ChrisB said...

daffy and beccy you have motivated me to post some more China pictures. I might even fill in for the days I have missed.

At 7/7/09 22:47, Anonymous Anonymous said...



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