Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Witty Wednesday # 30


Christmas Funnies!

As it was getting near to Christmas a young boy was upstairs praying while his mother sat by him and his father and Grandmother were down stairs. He prayed thus, 'Lord please send me a train set and a remote control car and a BICYCLE'. You don't have to shout dear says his mother God is not deaf. I know that he replied but Grandma is!!
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A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today ?"

Johnny raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." and Robert, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Robert how he knew this. and Robert said, "Well.....every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
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Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe.

She says "Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you'd like to come into my bedroom."

Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."

The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says "I've got something special for you Santa. Can't you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgettable."

Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."

Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says "Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift."

Santa responds "Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"
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Why the Little Angel is at the top of the Christmas Tree ...

On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip. As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped. So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight. He then went to check on the rest of the preparations. The elves were on strike. The reindeer had shin-splints. At this point, Santa was BUMMED. He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY. Now he was really mad. All of sudden, there was a knock at the door. Santa, in his angry state, ignored it. There was another knock. Santa was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came again, Santa--filled with rage--threw open the door. Standing there was a little angel who said, "Hi Santa! What do you want me to do with this Christmas Tree?"
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Santa's Lap

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what
would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped,
"Didn't you get my E-mail?"

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One liners

What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy ?
She gave him the cold shoulder !

What do snowmen wear on their heads ?
Ice caps !

What do snowmen eat for lunch ?
Icebergers !

Where do snowmen go to dance ?
Snowballs !

How do snowmen travel around ?
By iceicle !

What sort of ball doesn't bounce ?
A snowball !

How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed ?
You wake up wet !

What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark ?
Frost bite !

How do you call an Eskimo cow ?
An Eskimoo !
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Reindeer Jokes

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
”Horn”-aments!

How can Santa's sleigh possibly fly through the air?
You would too if you were pulled by flying reindeer!

What would a reindeer do if it lost its tail?
She’d go to a “re-tail”shop for a new one!

Why is Prancer always wet?
Because he’s a “rain”-deer!

Why does Scrooge love all of the reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him!

Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners?
”Rude”-olph!

What do you call a reindeer wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want because he can’t hear you!

What do reindeer always say before telling you a joke?
This one will “sleigh” you!

How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?
He looks at his calen-“deer”!

What do you give a reindeer with an upset tummy?
”Elk”-a-seltzer!

How do you get into Donner's house?
You ring the “deer”-bell!
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Christmas Eve Jokes

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It's Christmas, Eve !

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ?
The letter "D" !

What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?
Santa Claustrophobia !

What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ?
Black mail !

Who delievers cat's Christmas presents ?
Santa Paws !

Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ?
Because it soots him !

How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ?
Stacks !

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Naughty: just a couple!!

How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?
They both have ornamental balls.

Why doesn't Santa have any children ?
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.

I know a lot of old corny ones but I hope I made you smile~ now I'm off to do some cleaning which is so boring!

Archives:
December 19th 2006: I'm losing the plot

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15 Comments:

At 19/12/07 11:39, Blogger kitten said...

Thank you so for the laughs! Between you and hootin anni I have laughed my head ache away. LOL! Really!

 
At 19/12/07 13:44, Blogger Asha said...

Haha!! Good day to return to blogging for me. I loved all the Reindeer jokes!
Merry Christmas Chris, hope you have baked a few cookies,looking forward to to those here!:))

 
At 19/12/07 14:39, Blogger grannymar said...

Very good!

Now I am off to e-mail Santa!

 
At 19/12/07 15:56, Blogger Misty said...

Hilarious!!!

 
At 19/12/07 16:47, Blogger lisa's chaos said...

Loved the first one, loved the second one, thrid one had me puzzled then the lightbulb went off. Very funny! All of them, I don't think I had heard any of them before.

 
At 19/12/07 17:13, Blogger katy said...

you ae right they got me laughing, well done, had only heard a few of them so great collection

 
At 19/12/07 18:31, Blogger Rachel said...

Lol, these were great!!! I love cheesy one-liners!

 
At 19/12/07 19:41, Blogger john.g. said...

DOH!! Lol.

 
At 19/12/07 21:19, Anonymous Karmyn R said...

snort and guffaws! That Santa joke was priceless! I loved it. Can't get up the chimney. hee hee.


Dreaming What Ifs...

 
At 19/12/07 22:53, Blogger Aoj & The Lurchers said...

You've been raiding the Christmas cracker box again haven't you Chris!?

 
At 20/12/07 02:29, Blogger Holties House said...

Thanks for the link on your sidebar, a great idea and a service to Fun Mondayers everywhere..... Hope you might have saved up a special joke for later.. hint, hint.

 
At 20/12/07 07:00, Blogger my4kids said...

LOL to funny. I needed these...

 
At 20/12/07 15:12, Blogger frannie said...

I'm shocked at the Santa and naughty bits one!!

I didn't know you had it in you, Chris!! you made me smile!!!!

 
At 20/12/07 15:33, Blogger ChrisB said...

Asha I've still got a lot of baking to do!

Aoj&the lurchers you've sussed me!

Frannie that Willowtree has corrupted me hehe!

 
At 20/12/07 15:53, Blogger Pamela said...

oh yeah... I'm quoting Santa: HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO

 

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