Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Witty Wednesday # 51 Management Course



I wonder if this is why Embee is not in management!!!!

FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE


Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE


Archives:
2007: My Visitor

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20 Comments:

At 28/5/08 06:32, Blogger Kila said...

Good lessons ;)

 
At 28/5/08 08:52, Blogger bichonpawz said...

hahahahaha! Very good!

 
At 28/5/08 11:02, Blogger karisma said...

Ok Im too tired to read all that at the moment! But I did note the advice in blue at the end! Nice!

I sent you a postcard today, please excuse the messy writing and lack of content. There was no room at the post office table and I had to lean on the floppy parcel that I was sending you! I will send you another one later on with more neatness, k? (On a happier note, at least I made it to the post office finally!) Your prize is on its way!

 
At 28/5/08 12:52, Blogger Asha said...

That Bob is very very clever man!! Hope he is still alive after the wife told the hubby about that towel drop or did she? ;D

 
At 28/5/08 13:05, Anonymous swampy said...

Blogger reads ChrisB's Witty Wednesday post. Enjoys and laughs heartily.

MORAL OF THIS STORY: Do not read Ms Cellania funny posts while drinking coffee.

(You owe me for a new keyboard !)

 
At 28/5/08 13:14, Blogger ChrisB said...

Karisma I will now be excitedly watching for the mail as I normally only get bills or junk :)

swampy I have a couple of keys that stick for the very same reason! :)

 
At 28/5/08 13:35, Blogger laurie said...

these were hilarious. especially No. 1. no, wait, especially no. 3. no, wait....

 
At 28/5/08 13:36, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Those are fabulous - love it!

 
At 28/5/08 13:37, OpenID tootsie said...

Great advice for everyone!

 
At 28/5/08 13:39, Anonymous Tiger Lamb Girl said...

that anonymous was me! sorry.

 
At 28/5/08 15:51, Anonymous Grannymar said...

That was brilliant!

 
At 28/5/08 16:13, Blogger john.g. said...

Brilliant! I'll try to supply you with some more funnies!

 
At 28/5/08 16:31, Anonymous nikki said...

I now know how to manage! Thank you for my lesson!

 
At 28/5/08 17:27, Blogger Beckie said...

Some valuable advice presented in a brilliant manner. I know some managers that could benefit from such lessons.

 
At 28/5/08 22:12, Blogger Sandy said...

I am printing this as I type to take to work with me tomorrow! Thanks.

 
At 29/5/08 02:08, Blogger Jettie said...

OOHh those are good!!!!!!!!!! but it would take more than 800 for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 
At 29/5/08 02:41, Blogger frannie said...

HA!!!!!!!!!!

 
At 29/5/08 16:48, Blogger Anvilcloud said...

I'd say that was a bit of a shi77y course! :)

 
At 30/5/08 00:00, Blogger Secret Squirrel said...

I loved this post.
The first one is my favorite.
xox eve xox

 
At 30/5/08 06:43, Blogger Pamela said...

I've heard these before -- and yet I NEVER seem to learn from them ha ha ha

 

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