Wednesday, April 04, 2007

My husband thinks I have a sense of humour

I'm not quite sure how much time embee (hubby) spends on the internet while he is at work but he often sends me the odd email with jokes attached and he can always tell me what Merle has been writing about. This is one of his little offerings so am not sure of the source and I'll apologise in advance if this causes offence to anyone as none is intended.

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish = 49
Adventurous = Slept with everyone
Athletic = No tits
Average looking = Ugly
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Contagious Smile = Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure = On medication
Feminist = Fat
Free spirit = Junkie
Friendship first = Former very *friendly* person
Fun = Annoying
New Age = Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded = Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate = Sloppy drunk
Professional = Bitch
Voluptuous = Very Fat
Large frame = Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate = Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in gasoline and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a baseball bat shoved up his backside. (I hope this one doesn't offend anyone)


NOW SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND A WOMAN WITH A SENSE OF HUMOUR!!! That's all of you.......

Labels:

18 Comments:

At 4/4/07 04:09, Anonymous mark said...

All funny, but I liked the scientific study the most. Nice.

 
At 4/4/07 05:31, Blogger Little Miss Moi said...

Dear chrisb. That's hilarious. A definite read for Mr Moi. Ps. It wouldn't occur to me to be offended by those jokes!

 
At 4/4/07 07:49, Blogger ChrisB said...

mark yes sometimes scientific studies are spot on !!

little miss moi I'm glad I haven't offended I'd hate to upset anyone.

 
At 4/4/07 08:15, Blogger Beccy said...

How come Dad doesn't send these to me anymore?

 
At 4/4/07 08:22, Blogger ChrisB said...

beccy aah because he's saving them for me :)

 
At 4/4/07 10:46, Blogger Merle said...

Hi Chris ~~ Good idea, and good jokes. I had planned on posting the
Women's English, and Men's English, but will leave it for a while now.
Take care, Love, Merle.

 
At 4/4/07 11:06, Blogger ChrisB said...

Merle I'm not trying to muscle in on your style and we have different readers so please don't postpone what you had planned. x

 
At 4/4/07 13:45, Blogger Asha said...

HAHAHA!!! Chris,Embee has too much spare time at his work!!

Great list and you know what? Most of the women lists are true!

Thanks for making me laugh today!:)

 
At 4/4/07 14:05, Blogger ChrisB said...

asha embee won't admit to that though. I'm just going over to see what you have in store for us today.

 
At 4/4/07 14:23, Blogger Anvilcloud said...

That gave me some morning giggles.

 
At 4/4/07 14:34, Blogger ChrisB said...

anvilcloud as laughing is benificial to health think how much good I'm doing ha ha !!!

 
At 4/4/07 16:59, Anonymous susan said...

omg that was too funny. thank you for lightening up my morning. i esp love women's english, bc it's so true!

 
At 4/4/07 21:56, Blogger ChrisB said...

susan hope you'll come back for another chuckle next week.

 
At 5/4/07 03:28, Blogger frannie said...

very funny! what a good idea to do this. I have a new reason to look forward to Wednesdays!

 
At 5/4/07 09:01, Blogger Sabrina said...

Thanks for the good laugh!!! Wednesday has now taken on a whole new meaning!

 
At 5/4/07 14:16, Blogger Sally Lomax said...

Very funny Chris!!!

 
At 5/4/07 17:10, Anonymous Vicki said...

okay sister that's good stuff!!! I'm printing off for my husband right now.

 
At 5/4/07 19:52, Blogger ChrisB said...

frannie hope to see you before next weds (I have responded to your award you set me a difficult task).

sabrina I aim to please I have a few more laughs up my sleeve.

Sally thank you I have given you a thinking bloggers award (do not feel you have to respond)

Vicki yes its a must read. I have also given you a thinking bloggers award ( as I have said to Sally do not feel you have to respond).

 

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