Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Witty Wednesday # 45

John sent me the first two of this weeks wit~ looks like the first one has been around for a while so you might have seen it!

Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least-evolved among us.

And the glorious Winner for 2007 is:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

now, the Honourable Mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat- cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. A Texas teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15.

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, 'Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from.'

9. The Ann Arbor Michigan News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.


10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd had in a very long time.

Cured? a good Irish joke!

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

'Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic..

I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.

'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: ' So, Murphy, how was your day?'

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.

'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.'

'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir' says Murphy.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!''

'Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.
'I put drops in her eyes..'
Many uses for a Vibrator

An elderly gentlemen had been living with his spinster daughter for some years. One day, upon returning home he heard an unusual whirring noise. Wandering around the first floor, he noticed that the noise seemed to be coming from somewhere upstairs.

He proceeded up the stairs to investigate. Walking around, he realized that the noise increased as he neared his daughters closed bedroom door. Whereupon he quickly open the door to make sure that everything was alright.

He was astonished by the sight of his daughter, stretched out naked on her bed with a vibrator violently shaking in her hand.

"Sylvie! What in tarnation is goin' on?" He shouted!

Sylvie, without hesitation replied: "Daddy, I have needs! Isn't it obvious? I know that I'm not going to find anybody to marry, so please leave me alone, and shut the door on your way out."

Somewhat chagrined, he retreated, and closed the door as he exited.

Not too many days later, his daughter returned home from doing some errands. When she entered the living room, she was surprised to hear an unusual whirring noise coming from somewhere.

As she walked around, she realized that the noise was coming from somewhere on the second floor. When she walked around the upstairs hall, she realized that the noise originated from behind her fathers closed bedroom door.

Throwing the door open, she was astonished to see her father, dressed in a tuxedo, with a glass of bourbon in one hand, and her vibrator violently shaking the other.

"Daddy! What in tarnation is goin' on?" She shouted!

Without hesitation, he replied "Sylvie, I have needs too! Isn't it obvious? I'm having a drink with my son-in-law! So please leave us alone, and shut the door on your way out."


2007: Fun Monday 13

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At 16/4/08 08:42, Blogger Little Miss Moi said...

Dear chrisb. I just love irish jokes. Poor murphy... he was probably catholic.

At 16/4/08 09:48, Blogger Anvilcloud said...

Thanks for the chuckles. I'm going back to bed now.

At 16/4/08 11:13, Blogger Aoj & The Lurchers said...

OMG Chirs!! That last one has just had me in tears!!

At 16/4/08 12:18, Anonymous Grannymar said...

I liked them!

At 16/4/08 13:04, Anonymous Embee said...

Murphy has gone round the mine fast even by their standards and even our pet Irishman enjoyed it!! Love Embee

At 16/4/08 15:06, Anonymous nikki said...

Oh, I needed that laugh. Thank you.

At 16/4/08 15:49, Blogger Pamela said...

ooooooooooooh chris... I have to go to work with that joke echoing in my ear. bwaaa ha ha ha ha ha haa.

At 16/4/08 16:17, Blogger john.g. said...

Liked the last one!!

At 16/4/08 16:28, Blogger lisa marie said...

The first people are real weiners! Crazy!

Murphy may be hitting his head later when he realizes what he missed out on.

And oh my, son-in-law, hilarious!

At 16/4/08 16:51, Anonymous Karmyn R said...


And poor Murphy.

I've seen the Darwin's before. They always make me chuckle.

At 16/4/08 16:58, Blogger Beckie said...

Oh Chris, I read every last one of them and they were all great, but that last one. Oh my, that was laugh out loud hilarious!

At 16/4/08 17:28, Blogger Rachel said...

Oh those were great!! It amazes me how dumb people can be sometimes!

At 16/4/08 23:25, Blogger Jennie said...

Great jokes!

Thanks for the comment on my blog. I've read quite a few Lesley Pearse books, I have just re read 'Trust me' (which was the first one of hers I read)and 'Lesser Evil'. I only have to catch up on the books that are names (like Ellie and Charity) now although I've read Rosie and Hope. (I have a copy of Faith heading to me from Ebay).

At 17/4/08 01:07, Blogger Kila said...

Thanks for the laughs :)

After the past winter we've had, I can almost sympathize with the shoveler in #3!

At 17/4/08 05:03, Blogger kitten said...

Thank you much for the laughs! You can always crack me up!

At 17/4/08 12:57, Blogger la bellina mammina said...

Love the irish jokes and the last one is hilarious!!

At 17/4/08 22:22, Blogger storyteller said...

Oh my gosh! #1 had me aghast … then laughing … and that’s scary!!! As I read each one, I kept telling myself these can’t be real, but now I’m wondering if they are? It’s hard to believe there are such stupid folks walking around … of course THESE aren’t necessarily around any longer. Gotta admit I laughed myself silly at the two closing jokes … thereby wiping the ‘horror’ from mind.
Hugs and blessings,

At 18/4/08 05:00, Blogger Alison said...

those are great Chris...I especially love the darwin awards!!

At 18/4/08 12:59, Blogger frannie said...

great laughs!! (which I could use right now!)

and I have actually seen the video of the guy with the cinder block!


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