Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Witty Wednesday # 13

Two enginneering students are walking accross the campus, one says to the other "where did you get that new bike?" "Well I was walking through the woods the other day and this woman rode up to me, jumped off the bike tore all her clothes off and said take what you like. So I took the Bike" The other replied " you did right, I expect her clothes probably would not have fitted you".

Business Opportunity - (This is supposed to be a genuine letter but I doubt it is!!)

Rt Hon David Miliband MP
Secretary of State,
Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA),
Nobel House
17 Smith Square
London SW1P 3JR

16 May 2007

Dear Secretary of State,

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.

I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?

As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?

My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968.

That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.

If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100?

I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases?

Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear?

I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?

In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits.

I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.

Yours faithfully,
Nigel Johnson-Hill

This is just how ridiculous the state of farming is in this country.

We are hoping to visit Bristol Zoo today at Ben's request but the weather is not looking good so keep your fingers crossed for us.



At 18/7/07 10:21, Anonymous willowtree said...

Not just your country, across the pond they get paid for not growing corn.

And in Australia, the farmers are now being paid to re-plant trees that they wantonly destroyed previously in order to plant larger crops for export.They now get paid for carbon credits.

I'm tired of listening to farmers bleat about how necessary they are for producing food, they are producing income,end of story.
Most of our food is imported anyway as they send theirs overseas for a better return.

At 18/7/07 12:13, Blogger Tiger Lamb Girl said...

My fingers are crossed for you on the weather. So far, it's pretty sunny a little south of you;) here's hoping it's the same up your way.

I agree - the state of farming here is maddeningly sad. Utter bureaucratic insanity.

At 18/7/07 13:32, Blogger Asha said...

Hahaha! These Engineers and Doctors are impossible nerds and geeks!!:P

At 18/7/07 17:11, Blogger john.g. said...

Brilliant farming joke, please e-mail it to me!

At 18/7/07 17:12, Blogger ChrisB said...

WT the farmer here are always saying how poor they are but I've never seen a poor farmer and since the foot and mouth (which I agree must have been devastating) many are diversifying e.g. using land for holiday accommodation and in some areas they grow extensively in plastic tunnels.

tigger lamb girl we have just got back from the zoo and it has been a really beautiful day-the temp up to 24 C and it hasn't been this warm for ages.

asha I think you are probably right!

At 18/7/07 18:03, Blogger ChrisB said...

john glad you liked it -it has been sent!!

At 18/7/07 20:09, Blogger enidd said...

thanks for the wednesday chortle as ever, chris!

At 18/7/07 20:15, Blogger ChrisB said...

enidd I've just come from your post which gave me a laugh!

At 18/7/07 20:21, Blogger Amy W said...

I love Witty Wednesday!

At 18/7/07 22:12, Blogger Beccy said...

Would you like your camomile tea?

At 18/7/07 22:17, Blogger ChrisB said...

Rebecca you know I have already put the kettle on and put the sewing kit ready for you to mend Fluffy for Ben !!!

At 18/7/07 22:18, Blogger ChrisB said...

Oh forgot to mention, cleared the table packed the dishwasher, put out the recycling and washed the champagne glasses. XX

At 18/7/07 22:22, Blogger ChrisB said...

amy I had wondered if everyone was getting a bit fed up with it and whether to give it a rest!

At 18/7/07 22:25, Blogger Beccy said...

I was loading the dishwasher when you called me away to help you with something then I bathed Ben and put him to bed. When I left you were blogging and you were seated there when I returned over an hour later!

At 18/7/07 22:28, Blogger ChrisB said...

Well that just shows how quick I can be as I did all that while you were bathing Ben- this will now be a truce!

At 18/7/07 22:45, Blogger Beccy said...

OK a truce but why did you only put enough water in the kettle for your cup of tea? Did you forget about me.

At 18/7/07 23:13, Blogger Sally Lomax said...

Funny WW Chris!
Don't bicker girls!!

At 18/7/07 23:25, Blogger ChrisB said...

sally I think it's called one upmanship!!

At 19/7/07 03:23, Blogger la bellina mammina said...

Cracked me up - the jokes, and your bickering!! ;-)

At 19/7/07 05:09, Blogger Kila said...

An American version of that has been circulating here for years. I got a chuckle out of seeing it is over there, too!

At 19/7/07 07:23, Blogger my4kids said...

That was really cute but I got a little lost somewhere in that letteer....hehe.

At 19/7/07 08:41, Blogger Steffi said...

Funny WW and nice joke!

At 19/7/07 08:49, Blogger ChrisB said...

la bellina mammina we're very competitive in our family!!

Kila most of these jokes have done the rounds at sometime.

my4kids I guess you need to understand the English farming situation- basically you get more money from NOT producing stuff and this is the stupidity of it.

steffi glad you enjoyed the jokes.


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