Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Witty Wednesday # 31

Why I don't feel much like laughing! I am alone in the house (normally I enjoy the peace and quiet, I've certainly got a lot of chores to get through), my mother has gone out with her friend, Beccy and the children have gone home, embee is back at work and it is so very quiet here. . Gone is all the laughter and childish squabbles but I do miss it already.

So may be some jokes will bring a smile to my face!!

Could be here sooner

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"
A golf club visits a local bar:

A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.

The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.

"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.
Care to go upstairs?

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
Corporate Lessons!

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!
It worked I'm chuckling because I can just picture my daughters saying "mother I'm surprised at you" for the last two~ hehehe!!!!


January 2nd 2007: Wild goose chase



At 2/1/08 12:52, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Never mind the daughters, they made me smile!

At 2/1/08 13:36, Blogger Asha said...

I understand how you must be feeling! Sometimes I try not to think of the time when kids are moved out to go to college and I will be alone at home all the time!!!
But it will pass and you will begin to enjoy your time alone again!:)
Happy new year, I am back finally!:D

At 2/1/08 15:14, Blogger Sam said...

to be honest I got as far as the washing machine joke and thought to myself "I can't believe she is posting this on the internet"

At 2/1/08 15:16, Blogger Aoj & The Lurchers said...

LOL!! The washing machine one needs a "don't be drinking tea when you read this" warning!!

At 2/1/08 15:19, Blogger ChrisB said...

grannymar see sam's comment below!!

asha I think it's even worse when your children leave home initially. I found it really difficult when sam went off to college, it got easier when beccy's turn came.

sam I did think twice about it but only briefly!!

At 2/1/08 15:29, Blogger ChrisB said...

aoj&L I'll remember to add a warning next time!

At 2/1/08 16:03, Blogger Anvilcloud said...

Wow! It's Wednesday already! Like the priest one.

At 2/1/08 16:05, Anonymous nikki said...

I love Witty Wednesday! Happy New Year. I hope the after holiday blues disappear soon!

At 2/1/08 16:26, Blogger john.g. said...

Disgusting!! You wont catch me posting such filth!

At 2/1/08 17:42, Blogger Sandy said...

and may you always surprise your's such fun!

Thanks for the smiles.

I'm gonna go do laundry now.

At 2/1/08 19:40, Blogger ChrisB said...

Nikki as soon as we get sun I'll feel better!

john of course you wouldn't you are pure as the driven snow~ I don't think!!

At 2/1/08 19:44, Blogger ChrisB said...

sandy glad I got you smiling!

At 2/1/08 20:23, Anonymous wolfbaby said...

ahh thank you i needed the giggles...

At 2/1/08 21:07, Blogger Steffi said...

I can understand you that you are sad today.You miss Beccy and the kids!I hope you feel soon better.

At 2/1/08 21:18, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Peace is so over-rated some days! My son has been at his girlfriends for the New year and I have missed his noise, his mess, his everything, luckily my daughter is doing her best to make up for him being away!
Loved the jokes, thanks for the smiles. :o)

At 2/1/08 23:27, Blogger kitten said...

LOL! Enjoy the quite! Trust me! But ya sound like me, you wish you could have a peaceful day then the day comes the day everybody is gone and it's too quite!

At 2/1/08 23:36, Blogger lisa's chaos said...

I had heard the first one and love it but those last two really cracked me up!!

At 3/1/08 01:33, Blogger Alix said...

That last one was brilliant!

At 3/1/08 01:37, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm chuckling, too. Very welcome after a long day at work! Thanks!

At 3/1/08 02:24, Blogger frannie said...

I'm surprised at you, too!

but that makes them all the funnier!

I love when you catch me off guard with a dirty joke! :)

At 3/1/08 04:20, Blogger bermudabluez said...

Thanks for the smile!! You must post warning do not drink hot beverages while reading!! LOL

At 3/1/08 04:20, Blogger bermudabluez said...

Thanks for the smile!! You must post warning do not drink hot beverages while reading!! LOL

At 3/1/08 04:21, Blogger Kila said...

Thanks for the jokes, and yes, Good Morning are two words that do not belong together!

At 3/1/08 07:44, Blogger my4kids said...

Oh wow those last 2? hehe....bad....

At 3/1/08 10:32, Blogger Beccy said...


At 3/1/08 14:48, Blogger Merle said...

Hi Chris ~~ Thank you and Embee for yourNew Year wishes and I wish the same for both of you. May 2008 be the best year yet. I enjoyed reading your jokes too and glad they cheered you up. My life is fairly quiet most
of the time and I have to have a radio or TV on for company. Otherwise I hear every little noise and wonder what it is. Take care, you two, Love and best wishes to you both. Merle.

At 3/1/08 15:24, Blogger elena jane said...

i'm with you on the quiet-ness, they're all back to school or work and i'm at home with the littlies who are happily entertaining themselves!! ;-)

At 3/1/08 15:51, Blogger Pamela said...

I'm chucking with you


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